Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize