she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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