If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
