that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize