just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
