I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm eating all of the evidence.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize