Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
