I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
