im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
