we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
