it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
do nipples grow back?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
