hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
