my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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