Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
