The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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