I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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