I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
