Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
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