It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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