No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
