3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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