I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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