yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
