one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
