I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
