My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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