He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
