SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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