Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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