I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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