everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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