you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
