She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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