That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
