Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
no you cant smoke seaweed
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
