I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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