She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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