Barsexuality is the new black.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
