he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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