you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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