I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
