Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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