Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
