I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
