I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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