i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
