got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
