I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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