Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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