I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
this beer tastes like vomit already
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
