We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
