On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Randomize
