you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
How naked do you want me to be?
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