Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
