Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
