I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
