Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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