Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
