I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
