I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
